January 16, 2024
I spent the night tossing and turning, waking several times. It was difficult to breathe, my body ached, and I couldn’t stop coughing. When I woke up, I felt worse, so bad, in fact, I decided I would call in sick to work. I’m that person who has close to one thousand hours of sick leave I’ve never taken, so skipping a work day was pretty rare for me. Before I could duck out of work, however, I needed to turn in a project that was due by 10 AM. Luckily; I anticipated some speed bumps because of the recent holiday, so I completed the project last Friday. I just needed one piece of information and approval from two bosses before I completed the project.
While taking a day off work sounded appealing, I felt so bad that the empty space of not having work made me feel frustrated and bored. I had been locked up in the house all weekend, and I was tired of feeling bad. After fiddling around for about thirty minutes, I finally went back to my bedroom and slept for a few hours. When I woke up, I put on some presentable clothes and left the house to run a nearby errand for my wife. While I was out, I opted to pick up some food for lunch, which I ate inside my car in the parking lot of the establishment.
While eating, my mind drifted to other things I could do. I felt too bad to fish; that was out of the question. I missed the water. Maybe I could go home and grab my camera and shoot a few photos at the lake. This idea seemed lofty since my energy was so low. Or maybe I could drive home, pick up my library books, return them, and check out some new books. That sounded like a good idea. However, as I took my last bite of food, I realized I was completely drained and struggled to make the drive home. I was in no physical condition to do anything. When I arrived home, I went inside the house, greeted the dogs, and went straight back to bed, sleeping for another three hours.
The nap was long, but I had become feverish, and it was clear my body was getting worse. Everything ached and throbbed. The blanket touching my skin hurt, breathing hurt; coughing felt like the inside of my throat was being rubbed against a cheese grater. The worse part, though, was that I felt really negative. I was tired of being sick and I grew impatient with the entire ordeal. I began to feel sorry for myself. That was it. I had to get out of bed and do something.
It was last light, so I slipped on a light jacket and my boots. I almost grabbed a hat and gloves, but I opted not to. For some inexplicable reason, I wanted to go out to the woods, and I wanted it to be uncomfortable. Maybe the negative thoughts sobered me, or perhaps a delusional, fevered brain led me down this path. Whichever the case, I walked outside, heading into the freezing woods with way too little clothes. I wanted to be cold; I wanted to suffer.
The temperature dropped quickly and within ten minutes; the cold felt uncomfortable. In another ten minutes, I felt my face go numb and my ears and hands hurt, losing all dexterity in my fingers. After forty minutes, the discomfort became unbearable. I wasn’t sure why I was outside suffering, only that this was all under my control, and that I was resetting my comfort levels by purposely making myself feel more miserable. Once I made my way back to the house, I grabbed a forty-pound bag of deer corn and headed back into the woods.
When I finally came inside the house, my face and neck tingled as they warmed. I gathered all the trash in the house and left the property for the last time, heading to the trash service center a couple of miles away. My wife picked up dinner, and although I was appreciative, I only ate a few bites while drinking a ton of water. I felt thirsty, probably suffering from a little dehydration because of my fever. I showered, took some medicine, and went to bed.
While lying in bed, I thought about how we judge our circumstances based on our past experiences. I felt so bad while I was sick, because I usually felt great. And while I understood that the sickness would pass, I felt worn down by the whole situation. The sickness had kept me from my normal routine for four days now. I also pondered how strict practices can give a more proper perspective in life. Being out in the cold today, and feeling more uncomfortable that I did when I was resting in the house, made my evening feel a little less bad. I wasn’t certain, but I felt like my outdoor escapade may have broken my fever.