April 12, 2024

Empty Feelings

I woke up a few minutes after four o’clock, reaching in the dark to see if my wife was still in bed. This morning, she would leave early for a three-day trip, which had us both feeling a little down. It was always weird to pass a weekend without her, but we hoped she would be back on Sunday afternoon before it got dark. We were busy with our morning routines and before I knew it; I had kissed my wife goodbye, and was watching her red brake lights disappear down the dirt road that leads away from our home. I spent the morning washing clothes, doing dishes, and vacuuming my office. After, I sat down at my desk and wrote for ninety minutes. Then, I grabbed my camera and slipped into the woods, hoping the wind wouldn’t be too bad.

There was a high wind advisory in effect, and with good reason. The tall trees in the forest swayed back and forth, making loud whooshing noises similar to angry waves breaking on a beach with their frothing white foam. The leaves shimmered, and the trees creaked like an old wooden floor, making me feel like a pine top could break off at any second. Moving along the path, I hoped I wouldn’t get hit by a falling branch, large or small. I temporarily lost my focus when I noticed the sun shining on my face. I stopped and turned to the light with closed eyes, feeling the radiating warmth on my face, and then moved on.

My wife and I recently cleared several trails, and this morning, I noticed broken twigs, dried leaves, and other debris had sullied the path. In the grove, the trail was most prominently covered with tiny yellow worm-like sacs, which had fallen by the thousands. These were no worms. The small sacs, which measured about two inches and were the width of a number two pencil, were male pine cones. They recently discharged their bright yellow pollen into the air and then fell to the ground after playing their role in the fertilization of the female pine cones, which were familiar to most people. Although these tiny structures fell naturally after pollination, the high winds blew them to the forest floor, covering the trails we recently cleared.

My ground blind did not escape the wind and was upside down about thirty feet from where I left it. I kept moving north toward Beaver Tooth Rock. It was good to be outside after a few days of rain. All my normal friends were out: the birds, the creek, and trees. It was a gorgeous day, and I felt lucky to be out in nature. I enjoyed my time in the woods before heading back to prepare for work. It would be a busy day. I had learned that putting in a fast-paced day on Friday helped make the start of the new week more bearable. Things felt a little odd once work finished, as I was used to my wife coming home and starting our weekend together.

After I shut down my computer, I changed clothes and headed back into the woods, stepping over small branches and twigs blown onto the trail. The gusts had softened, but the air rushing through the treetops still dominated the soundscape. The whisking winds relaxed me. I made my way to Beaver Tooth Rock to look for deer. Although I rarely saw deer in this area last spring, this year I had seen several herds. They seemed to cross through the ravine, but tonight, I heard something behind me and to my right. I froze with my camera, seeing nothing. Then a doe barked, and I saw a deer shoot north, barely visible through the trees. About ten seconds later, three more deer followed.

I sat down to think for a while before leaving the area. The weekend was here, and I liked to reflect on what I was going to do, especially since my wife was gone. The weather had warmed, and I knew the fish would be more active at the reservoir. Fishing was a must. The trails would need to be cleaned, and I probably had time to extend them over the next few days. I made my way home using a trail that cut down the middle of the property. As I walked down the path, the forest went quiet. About fifteen minutes before, at Beaver Tooth Rock, the woods seemed noisy with the water, birds, and ambient noises in the distance. Suddenly, the woods were overly quiet, and I instinctively softened my breathing. Moments like this were rare in the forest. It suddenly felt empty.

When I arrived home, I cut some wood and made a fire in the pit. It was windy outside, but I felt the fire would be okay. During my lunch break, I had driven to the Piggly Wiggly and picked up a two pack of ribeyes, some corn on the cob, and a package of chicken wing drumettes for the weekend. When wifey was gone, grilling was always a must. The girl made us eat lots of vegetables, so I was trying to cut back. Everything in moderation, as the saying went.

I sat outside for the evening, watching the sky fade to black while a steak sizzled on the grill. As night fell, the winds picked up, blowing the large pines back and forth like they were saplings. Even though the gusts blew strongly, the bats were still out hunting insects, none of us minding the spooky weather. After dinner, I added some firewood to the coals and sat outside, pondering life. How did I get here to this unexpected place, and where would life next take us?